alone amongst the wild brits

Huzzah, I have finally landed in Bristol, England, where the weather is delightfully described as "Brizzle Drizzle" and the population consists of 12,340,000 tiny female undergraduates with spectacularly teased bleach-blonde hair, who scurry about at a million dance moves per minute, reminding me of highly animated dandelions in the process of exploding. Their tiny, high-pitched voices would grate on the ears if they ever said anything comprehensible, but thankfully, they only converse in vowels, like little baby sparrows with their wee beaks full of scrambled eggs and marmalade. It is a pleasant background sound, one that can be easily ignored.

Like the wild undergraduates of my beloved Dartmouth College, they are completely incapable of crossing a road like adults, instead employing a splendid series of familiar techniques, such as:

1. Run Across the Road in Heavy Traffic, then Stop Halfway and Look Surprised (The Deer in the Headlights Remix)
2. The Throw-Yourself-in-Front-of-a-Car Game (Regional Variation: shout "Wanker!" Bonus points: lunge suddenly from behind a parked car.)
3. The Luna Lovegood (Apparate suddenly in the middle of traffic with a dreamy expression, swat vaguely at the cloud of invisible Barking Nargles swarming around your head, and slowly wander about the road in a cryptic, non-linear fashion, appearing not to notice the hysterical drivers and bicyclists risking their lives in attempts to avoid you)
4. The Gathering Bee (Similar to #3, but instead of communicating with fictional magical creatures, describe a series of strange dance-like moves as you wander through traffic, as if you are a beautiful honeybee who is detailing the location of a delicious source of nectar to the rest of your hive. iPod entirely optional; ripped tights a must.)
5. Hark! A Phone Call! (Variation of #3 and #4, with cell phone [aka: mobile] used as prop to create narrative drama.)
6. Zebra Crossing (Cross as if at an actual zebra crossing*, using blinkers and headphones to completely isolate yourself from all perception of actual traffic patterns and, indeed, all reality. Wear a loudly patterned zebra-striped coat, black-and-white tights and Converse.)
7. The Polite Lost Waif (Run out into traffic as per normal, but suddenly realize that you are both inconveniencing people and endangering yourself and others. Mime a terribly guilt-stricken face, bobbing and waving to attract attention and apologize. Dance with oncoming traffic, miming "You go first! No, you go first! Oh, I couldn't possibly go first! I'm but a poor lost waif! I don't know what cars are! Please go first!" Take about ten minutes to actually cross the road, immobilizing the entire city center. For bonus points, drop things and dither about, retrieving them.)
8. Every Undergraduate in the World Ever. (Classic. Simple. International. Step obliviously in front of a moving car. At the squeal of brakes, arouse yourself from your dream and favor the drivers of the cars with a splendidly filthy look.)

IT'S JUST LIKE BEING HOME. But I love them, really; they're terribly sweet, and they do my doddering 23-year-old heart good to see them drinking in public at eleven in the morning. I overheard one of them talking about Derrida, and it brought a misty tear of recollection to my eye before I realized that she was actually just trying to order a coffee. Bless.


* Zebra Crossings are highly decorative British crosswalks where motorists HAVE to stop for pedestrians. Everywhere else, whether you're at the odd little Suggested Crossing Zones or simply jaywalking, cars have the right of way and must be taken into account.



We are currently staying with friends, so I am accomplishing nothing whatsoever, as I huddle in a corner and obsessively update Tumblr.

BUT I WILL WRITE. I am going to finish this novel if it kills me.

Hopefully, the novel will get to me before the pedestrians do.